Matt walks in where angels fear to tread.

I am really proud of our son Matt. Last night our two daughters, Teresa and Gabby, had a violin recital at the Flint Institute of Music. So our choices were to drag four hot and tired little boys to an evening of classical music or leave them at home with our 14-year-old son to babysit. Most teenage boys would have said, “No way! You gotta take them with you. I’m not watching all these guys.” But we gave Matt the choice, and he opted to stay with them.

We are often in this predicament because we no longer all fit into one car. Our larger vehicle is a Chevy Venture minivan. When we bought it, we had only three kids, but there was room for seven, so we thought we were “safe,” even if we had two more kids. When we had our sixth, we were still OK because Lisa could take all the kids with her as long as I wasn’t with them. When we had our seventh, Lisa would have to leave somebody behind, and typically that was Matt because Lisa was taking Teresa and Gabby to their violin lessons. Matt’s little brothers adore him, so they always choose to stay with him. So by necessity Matt has learned how to take care of a bunch of little kids.

The little kids he takes care of are Mikey (7), Mark (5), Timmy (3), and Stephen (17 months). Even though they love Matt, that doesn’t keep them from being themselves. Mikey can be a whiner. Mark is jovial, but raucous. Timmy is stubborn and often won’t eat. Fearless Stephen climbs on furniture and tries to jump off. Many times they are almost too much for their mother and me to handle. But Matt selflessly (or foolishly) sent us on our merry way at 6:30.

When we got home a little after 9:00, poor Matt was worn out. However, all four boys had been showered, with the youngest in diapers. The dishes were in the dishwasher, the kitchen counter was cleaned up, and the floor was swept. The front room had been picked up. The little boys were ready for bed, waiting for us on the couch, watching some Star Wars cartoon. Even their teeth were brushed! Matt said he had “earned his snack.” (He likes to have some pretzels and pop while he watches TV.)

Parents can be proud of their children when they get an A on a test or score 18 points in a basketball game, and they should be proud. Matt is a good student and athlete, but I am even more proud of him when he can handle well some of the responsibilities of adult life. This is what we as parents are trying to raise our children to be able to do. In that, I think our kids have an advantage as a larger family because the older ones must learn to look out for the younger children. They will know what is expected required when they become parents someday.

P.S. Matt got his pretzels and pop.

Hot and steamy...........parenting

In these days of smaller families, people are naturally curious about bigger ones. The most commonly-asked question we hear is, “Are you going to have any more?” Actually, this is quite personal, but I know they don’t mean any harm. Still, it’s none of their business. I never ask anyone why they only have two and if they are going to have any more. I saw a website for bigger families once, and they had a section of responses, both serious and funny, when people ask personal questions. One snide question was, “Don’t you have a TV?” The response was, “Sure we have a TV, but all we watch is porn.”

Then there are all those things that people wonder about but dare not ask: Do parents of large families still enjoy sex? Aren’t they afraid of ending up with more kids? When do they find the time and energy? These are highly personal questions that I will be happy to answer.

First, do we still enjoy sex? Of course we do; otherwise, how would a family of six kids grow to seven or eight? If we weren’t willing or able, we wouldn’t have more.
I remember something a colleague of mine said after the birth of his second child. He was asked if he and his wife were going to have any more. His response was, “No! Two’s enough. We’re done!” I found his reaction remarkable because he acted as if something bad had happened twice to him and had to be prevented from happening again. (“I’ve had gallstones twice. That’s it! I’m having my gall bladder removed!”) From our perspective, having children is a natural consequence when everything is working correctly and naturally. (We are so green!)

Another time, I was in a grad class, and we all had to introduce ourselves. I mentioned that I had (at the time) four children, and one of the other male students said to me, “Man, what’s wrong with you?” I said, “Nothing, evidently.” I think he had only two. I wanted to add, “It’s not my fault you need Viagra or your wife doesn’t like you,” but I was too classy.

So when do we find the time and energy? Sometimes we don’t but where there’s a will, there’s a way. If anything, the lack of privacy increases spontaneity and creativity as to where, when, and how. When we can’t schedule some alone time, we have to take it when we can. This means we have to keep things on simmer a lot of the time so it’s easy to turn up the heat when the opportunity presents itself. (I was going to say when the opportunity "arises" but I thought that would be a cheap pun, so I left it out.)

Have you ever noticed how many articles in magazines and on line give advice on how to have more and better sex? Have you ever noticed how many TV sitcoms make jokes about how husbands don’t get enough “attention” from their wives? (Think of Everybody Loves Raymond.) To me this indicates that there are a lot of people out there who are unhappy with their love-lives. We have no complaints.

Lisa vs. Martha and Rachael

Martha Stewart and Rachael Ray have made a fortune showing us how to do all kinds of clever things in the kitchen and in the garden. But has it ever occurred to you that they are performing these wonders without any kids around? They can leave hot or sharp things out without worrying about little hands getting burned or cut. They can plant flowers in already immaculate gardens. The decorations they make and hang on Christmas tress will actually remain on the trees. But I want Martha or Rachael to keep up with the mother of a large family for a week.

On Fridays, for example, our family doesn’t eat meat, and usually everyone wants something different. Sometimes Lisa will make a cheese pizza for us all, but usually Friday is her most challenging day in the kitchen. Some will want pancakes, with or without eggs; others want grilled cheese sandwiches and tomato soup. The little boys can still have meat; so she will nuke a few chicken fingers for them. (This short order kitchen is all taking place in 6x10 of floor space!) Then there is all the chaos caused by beverage choices. Sometimes the kids have wolfed down their food and are clamoring for dessert by the time Lisa has even had the chance to sit down to her meal. It often reminds me of the mother in that movie A Christmas Story who stops eating her meal to fill her family’s plates: My mother hadn’t had a hot meal to herself in 15 years.

Yeah, it’s not as pretty as the set on Martha’s or Rachael’s show, but I think it takes a lot more talent and effort. We don’t need goose liver paté and doilies; we need cheap ground beef and Bounty.

I think Lisa ought to have her own show. Maybe Martha and Rachael could learn something.

Shoes, cereal, milk, and toilet paper

There is a large breezeway that connects our garage to our house. It’s good that it’s large because it gives the nine of us the space to take off our shoes before we go in. That’s always the first thing that people notice when they come for a visit – shoes. There must be 40 pairs of shoes of all sizes for all purposes formal and casual. Sometimes they’re neatly lined up; often they are in a pile. (It depends if we know company’s coming over.)Sometimes at Wal-Mart I’ll see one of those shoes racks to keep shoes organized, and I think about how we’d have to buy about ten of them.

Then there’s cereal. Is there any food that kids love more than cereal? Pizza, maybe, except my little boys won’t eat that, but they will eat cereal. The other day I counted 65 boxes stored in our pantry in the basement. This does not include the open boxes in the cupboard above the stove. If it’s an especially popular cereal, we can go through a box in a day because not only do they eat it for breakfast, but they will snack on it throughout the day.

The cereal my wife buys the most is Cheerios, a General Mills product. Years ago I learned that General Mills was a corporate sponsor of Planned Parenthood. I thought that was strange. If I were the head of General Mills, I’d want families with lots of kids sitting around breakfast tables, eating my cereals. I wrote to them and asked why they were sponsoring Planned Parenthood. Their answer was unsatisfactory. So I wrote again, explaining what I saw as the illogic of their support. I won’t say my letters turned them around, but within a year or so they had stopped sending money to Planned Parenthood.

We also go through a lot of milk, seven or eight gallons a week. If you want to know who has the best prices for milk, call Lisa. A couple of years ago we had to buy a second fridge for the basement so that Lisa could take advantage of milk sales. We always have to keep a supply of chocolate on hand because Timmy, who is three, won’t drink any other kind.

The other thing I notice we go through a lot of is toilet paper. It’s probably a consequence of all the cereal with milk eating. We try to do our part to recycle, so we have taught our kids to not throw away the cardboard tubes from the centers of the toilet paper. The kids always leave them on the bathroom floor next to the basket. It seems like we have them next to the baskets every day – in both bathrooms!

Yes, with a lot of kids there are plenty of smiles, tears, shouts, and hugs. Those are the best. But it’s funny how the little things grab our attention: shoes, cereal, milk, and toilet paper. They're evidence of love, too.

Helping the economy

The President is trying to do what he can to help get the economy going again. I would like to suggest that every married couple who can should have another baby. Nothing gets money into the economy like having a kid. I think my wife’s ob-gyn drives a better car after each baby we have. Then there is the hospital itself, not to mention the pediatricians, the orthodontist, and the allergist. But it’s not just the professional folks making money off of us.

When we first got married, we lived in a one-bedroom apartment and drove a little two-door sedan. Then we moved to a two-bedroom apartment and bought a four-door family car. Then we had to buy a house with five bedrooms, and a minivan. After the sixth baby, we no longer all fit in the minivan, and we had to take two vehicles wherever we went. Currently, we are trying to figure out a way to buy a 12-passenger van so we can all ride together. When the seventh child was on the way, we added a bedroom onto the house. In the midst of a recession, we put a $27,000 addition onto our house. We had no choice but to spend the money, but we gave employment to our contractor, a plumber, an electrician, a team of drywall installers, and a bunch of guys who pour cement. I’ll bet they were all glad we were expecting.

The folks at Meijer love us. We spend as much on groceries as we do on our mortgage each month. I am thinking of having my paycheck deposited directly with them instead of the bank. I usually don’t have time for grocery shopping, but occasionally I would go with Lisa. Then I found out what things cost! So I quit going with her. Now when she comes home from the store, she’ll ask me if I want to know how much she spent. I always tell her no. It’s much better that way.
There is no recession when you have a large family. You have to spend the money. Single people or other couples with no kids can delay buying that car or doing that home improvement. But we can’t. We have to spend the money.

Mr. President, we are doing our part!

Bigger than average

They say the average family has 2.3 children. I am not sure what .3 of a child is, but it probably has something to do with statistics, and I never was very good at math. Anyway, my wife Lisa and I have slightly more than the average number of children – seven, actually – two girls and five boys, ranging in age from seventeen months to not quite seventeen years. We never planned to have a large family, but we never planned not to have one either. My wife says that we always said we’d have three or four kids, but we ended up with three and four kids. No matter. They are here, and we are glad to have them.

It’s funny the reactions we get from people. Most seem to admire us in a sort of wow-you-guys-are-so-amazing-we-wish-we could-do-what-you-guys-are-doing-but-not-really way. Our friends at church are glad that we have a big family. When my wife suggests to some of the women that they could have another child, they always say that they are too old. This amuses Lisa because she is older than many of them who say that.

Other people seem to think that because we have so many kids we are on the brink of poverty. When we go places like picnics or church gatherings, people tend to give us the leftovers to take home. Families with older children will drop off bags of clothes for our kids to try on. (Most of these clothes we pass on to the Good Will, but we appreciate the thought.) Our parish priest always tries to cut us a deal on the travel costs when our son goes with the youth group on a trip. I think it makes them feel better to believe that they are helping a large and struggling (in their opinion) family to make it in life.

Actually, we think that having a large family is a blessing that actually helps more than it hinders. If more people knew about the advantages of having a bunch of kids, they just might follow our lead, (but probably not).